hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The air taste purple.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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