soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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