I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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