Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
