Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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