my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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