1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
