just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
