i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
