i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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