We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
