god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
