no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
