Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize