Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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