if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
