worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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