i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
