Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
