Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
