When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
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her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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