you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
