thus making me awesome and them whores
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
