I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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