I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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