a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
