Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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