I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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