closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A+ Viking dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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