Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
