It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
