clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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