Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
