I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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