i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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