my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
