I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
