So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
