Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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