I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
