Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
