I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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