I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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