i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
