I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
