nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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