I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
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Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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