my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
