i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i out mim tonsoeep
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