Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
PANTIES FOUND
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
