you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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