I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
